Living the Life of a Legend
by YaoiSongstress07
Summary: MGS Parody. Follow our brave Snake as he pits himself against Liquid and...wait a minute. Otacon's working with Liquid! Is this right? Anyways, experience the glory of the Metal Gear Solid series!
1. Chapter 1

Welcome to 'Living a Legend's Life'. Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you enjoy your time here, but before we press on, there are a few things you MUST pay heed to. Hearken to me now, children.

Warning: This parody is meant to poke at the stereotypical, bad boy characterization of Solid Snake. If you are susceptible to emotional breakdowns, cannot stomach Metal Gear Solid parodies, or if you're intolerant of my favorite type of Snake (a Snake that exhibits emotion), please take your eyes elsewhere. If you're unable to take parodies lightly, find happiness elsewhere. If you believe parodies to be nothing more than rants, take your time elsewhere. Thank you.

I mean no ill will against the esteemed creator of Metal Gear Solid, any of its characters, or any of its fans. I am trying to make a few statements here, but none of them should be interpreted as RANTS. I am only trying to have fun here. PLEASE DO NO TAKE THIS PARODY SERIOUSLY! ALSO, DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO EVEN A SLIGHT MENTION OF BOY/BOY ACTION!

Disclaimer: I think you guys have this part down. If you don't, then I rule the universe of Galbadia Garden.

* * *

Dear children, I'm sure you're aware of history's greatest heroes. I'm sure you're aware of the many heroes inside of movies and books. I'm sure you've turned the pages of many epic novels, fascinated by heroes and their pursuit of justice. You've probably got a lot of favorite heroes, and with good reasons. They're amazing characters, brave and brilliant stallions with hearts of gold.

Solid Snake's one hero you won't care about.

Yep, kids, I speak the truth. Even faced with the world's toughest missions, he's able to keep a straight face. Even when his brother doggedly pursues him into the bowels of Hell, he keeps a straight face. He's nothing like your typical hero. Frodo showed fear before the One Ring! Harry Potter rode roller coasters battling Voldemort! But Solid Snake?

Nothing. You can't get anything out of the guy. You'd be better off taking a brick of cement to see a movie like 'Gladiator' or Nicholas Sparks' 'Last Song'. But does that bother Roy Campbell? Of course not. He's got business to take care of, and he's going to take care of it, no matter what.

"Actually, Snake's going to take care of it. The United States Army will be right behind him, of course, unless it becomes bored. Following someone straight into the bowels of death doesn't really beat a good game of ping pong."

Yes. In the middle of a cold, desolate wasteland, the legendary Solid Snake was preparing for his greatest mission. Now, mind you, he is a clone of his incredibly amazing father, Big Boss. He wasn't born through natural means, which would give anyone a really bad complex, right? I mean, wouldn't you hate knowing you were just spawned off a set of genes and DNA strains? And to top it all off, your father's never really a part of your life. Now did any of that bother good ol' Snake?

Nope.

"Get it over with, Colonel. I need one of my cigs."

"I'm actually a Sergeant now."

"So you were demoted?"

"I don't think so. I think Sergeants are above Colonels."

"You're a little off, Campbell, in more ways than one."

"Address me as 'Captain', Snake. And now for your mission. You're being tasked with the responsibility of defeating Psychotic Wildfrog. In order to reach him, you'll have to cast yourself into a flaming furnace. Then, once you're beyond that furnace, you'll have to face off against mutilated victims of the Uroboros virus. If you die, we'll use government funding to replace you. Any questions?"

Puff puff.

"Yeah. What are we doing about Liquid?"

"Oh yeah-Liquid! Liquid is your estranged brother, Snake, and he's hellbent on taking over the world! Once upon a time..."

After three hours of complex merry-go-round exposition, Roy grinned. "And so, what I'm trying to explain to you is this. Liquid is your brother, Snake, and you must do everything in your power to stop him."

"Liquid? My brother?"

"Yes, Snake, your brother. If you don't stop him, the human civilization will be doomed!"

"What about Psychotic Wildfrog?"

Confusion crumbled up Roy's face. "Psychotic Wildfrog? Who's that? Snake, I do believe you're becoming senile!"

* * *

And so, our heroic Snake boarded the Nomad and prepared himself to battle the world's greatest threats-Liquid Snake and Psychotic Wildfrog! With the help of his faithful sidekick Otacon, he knew he'd be able to win the day! Nothing could ever stop the dynamic duo of Otacon and Solid Snake! They were thick and true friends, tried and true friends, two peas in a pod! They were-

"What's with all of the Gundam figurines? Are you really that big of an anime geek?!"

"Don't bash my love for anime, Snake! And those figurines help me to cope with the loss of my sister, Sniper Wolf, Naomi-"

"First off all, Sniper Wolf asked me to put her down! Second, Naomi was a scheming tramp!"

"I knew that, but how dare you make fun of her?! She asked me to carry out her will!"

"She injected me with FOXDIE, you asshole!"

Whimpering, Otacon hugged one of his precious Nataku figurines. "Beggars can't be choosers, Snake. I need love, and I need it now!"

"Excuse me, but I'm available."

Our dynamic duo exchanged a wide-eyed glance, then turned to the conversation's newcomer. "Hey," the old soldier said, pointing at the new figure in the doorway. "Aren't you our pilot?"

"Well, yeah. I just wanted Otacon to know I've had, like, the biggest crush on him for the longest time. And I saw him at the last anime convention."

"Oh yeah! I wore my Pikachu costume! You were there?"

"Sure was. I was Balmung of the Azure Sky!"

Raising a hand, Snake cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but who's flying this thing?"

"Don't worry, Snake! I'm sure our Balmung here turned the Nomad's 'auto pilot' feature on!"

The pilot's eyes darted between Snake and his lifelong pal. "This thing's equipped with 'auto pilot'?"

And so, after the Nomad crashed into the side of the mountain like a meteor, Solid Snake began his greatest mission. Otacon and Balmung decided to do a little roleplaying by bonfire, anticipating the swift return of their unparalleled hero. He-

"Wait a minute. Why am I still called 'Solid Snake' when I'm older than dinosaur dust, thanks to that tramp's virus? And why does the Mark II look like one of your damn Gundams, Otacon?!"

"I was inspired by the Gundam Seed series. Man, you've got to watch that someday! The drama, the excitement, the steamy romance-"

"Ugh. Just tell me where I can find Liquid, moron, so I can kick ass and get out of here!"

Out of nowhere, in the fashion of all true villians, Liquid Snake made his grand appearance. Standing on a mountaintop, he looked down on his only sibling maliciously! "Brooooootheeeeeer," he howled as the silver moon rose. "You have arrived! And here, you will meet your doom!"

"Liquid!"

"Die!"

"Uh...you kinda did it wrong. I didn't say 'Fox'."

"Oh. Well, I'm here to crush the heir of Big Boss' glory! I'm here to erase my one and only sibling from the face of the Earth! You won't taint my plans ever again, Snake!"

Now, I know you know of heroes that have battled against family members. Luke Skywalker battled against his father, Darth Vader. And many heroes have had equally troubling battles against dear friends. Having your brother hellbent on killing you would've scared the daylights out of you, right? Wouldn't it have broken your heart?

Did it bother Snake?

"Can we just get this over with? I'm kinda tired."

Well, there's your answer, children.

And at that very moment, Liquid unsheathed his holy and mighty blade of lightning! "Have at you, Snake," he roared at the top of his lungs, rushing out at his sibling. "Your time on this planet has come to an end! I, and only I, will end your miserable existence!"

And so, the greatest duel began! Liquid and Solid Snake lashed out at each other, each one determined to emerge victorious! Liquid lashed out at Snake, Snake lashed out at Liquid, and then-

"Snaaaaaaake!"

"I'll be right back," the old soldier said, raising a hand. He left Liquid with a grunt, only to discover Otacon bawling over the fallen Nomad pilot. Oh my goodness, what happened to the poor dear?

"Snaaaaaaake! He's dead and I don't know what to do!"

"Oh quit your bawling. What happened?"

"Snake, I killed him! He died while making love to me!"

And so, while the poor anime junkie bawled over his fallen lover, Snake stood still with closed eyes. Several minutes elapsed before he issued a rough grunt. "I'd rather gag myself than listen to this," he muttered underneath his breath. "Listen, you idiotic chipmunk. I don't have the time to deal with whimps like you! You killed him, you deal with it!"

"Wow. I had no idea my brother was such a jerk!"

A sobbing Hal Emmerich turned to Liquid, who had appeared at his side. "He's the worst," he whimpered, wiping at his eyes. "You've got to help me, Liquid! I'm lonely, I don't know what to do, and Snake's not helping!"

"Well then," Liquid purred, rubbing his palms together. "I might have an idea. Why don't you give yourself to me?"

"Are you two serious?! Otacon, you're supposed to be my damn support!"

"I'm not supporting you if you won't support me," the anime addict said firmly, sticking his lip out. "So there! I'm on your brother's team now, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"No one's going to do anything about anything, kyaaaaaah!"

Oh my! All three of our heroes raised their heads to the sky, instantly greeted by the wondrously wicked Psychotic Bullfrog!

Wait a minute. Was it 'Bullfrog' or 'Wildfrog'?

"Snaaaaaaake, I'm here to kill you, kyaaaaaaaah!"

Liquid began his pouting session. "Hey! That's my job! Snake only has room for one executioner, and it's going to be me!"

The odd bullfrog of a creature looked at its webbed fingers. "I guess you'll have to take a number," the beast croaked with a grin. "Meanwhile, I'll take a gander at Snake's memory card! Hmmmmm......"

The Prehistoric and Ice Ages passed by. The future came and went as well, carrying the stars and sun. "Odd," the green, airborne creature said, counting something on its fingers. "Snake doesn't have a Memory Card!"

Snake couldn't have been any happier at that moment. "Oh really?! What brought you to that amazing, spellbinding conclusion?! Do you see any Memory Cards anywhere?!"

Otacon poked at his former first friend. "Snaaaake..."

"WHAT?!"

"Time to change to Disc 2, Snake! We're all done with the first disc! Isn't this amazing? What will they think of next, huh Snake?"

"Oh, out of all the freakin', damned-"

_Please insert Disc 2 to continue Metal Gear Solid 4 1/2: Liquid and Otacon's New World Order._

"Wait a minute. If this is MGS4 1/2, then shouldn't I be-"

"Yep," Liquid said, flipping through the pages of a bulky script. "I'm sorry brother, but you're supposed to be dead. It says here you die of heartache. You don't even die from FOXDIE, let alone become a biological weapon."

"Heartache? Where in the hell did that come from?"

Liquid pressed on, still reading the script. "Well, it says here that you became so depressed over inevitable death, you just threw the towel in a month after you killed me. I don't how I came back to life or anything, but that's just what this says here. I didn't write any of this."

"Wait a minute! Who says I gave a damn about Hal, Sunny or anyone else?! Why in the hell would I keel over and die from heartbreak?! That's got to be the worst garbage I've ever heard!"

Flipping through its own copy of the script with Hal, Psychotic Wildfrog spoke next. "Well, they could have went with the 'Snake transforms into biological weapon and blows up the entire world' plotline, but that wasn't really popular. As you can probably figure out, that wouldn't have worked too well with future Metal Gear Solid audiences, as there wouldn't have been any."

Our brave hero took out one of his cigarettes. "So who's writing this pile of garbage?"

"No one's writing it," Hal explained, as if it should have been obvious. "We're in a simulator I created, just to keep you and your mind alive! I didn't want to lose any part of you, so I locked us inside of an alternative world, if you will!"

Now, wouldn't that have moved you to tears? Wouldn't hearing those words from your best friend bring a smile to your face? Sure, things would have been a little creepy, but everyone wants to be loved! Everyone wants to be remembered! Right?

"Oh please. You're just a sick, depraved tech geek living in some fantasy world! And if we're all in here, who's taking charge over things?"

Liquid tossed away his script. "Some guy by the name of Raiden."

"Oh my freakin-"

Psychotic Wildfrog stepped into the fray, scratching its chin. "And you do know you're going to become a weapon of biological warfare, right? It says so, in three months."

"Listen, you cremated asshole! If I'm already dead, there isn't going to be any biological weapon! And who gave a damn in the first place?! I was created for war!"

"Now, Snake, that's not very nice. We're all in this world together! You need to be more courteous of those around you!"

"Oh shut up, you useless sack of skin! You're talking about courtesy, and all you ever do is whine over those trampy wretches you sacked!"

"Is this what Metal Gear Solid is really all about?" Liquid asked, turning to Nomad's pilot. Meanwhile, Otacon and Old Snake continued the battle of the minds! "If it is, maybe I should have joined Splinter Cell. Or perhaps Lost Planet!"

"Yeah, I'm thinkin' I should have become a Pokemon trainer myself. This isn't really my kind of gig. But you seem to have more personality quirks than Old Snake here. Why weren't you the star of this series?"

Peering into the sky, Liquid thought. "Good question. Perhaps I was too scary of a character."

"Wait a minute. If we're in an alternate version of MGS4, aren't you Liquid Ocelot?"

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Then why have you been identified as Liquid Snake for the duration of this piece of crap?"

"Because...Liquid Snake sounds sexier!"

Otacon's lover sighed. "I heard there's an opening for a Resident Evil villian. Wesker kinda died at the end of Chris and Sheva's adventure. Wanna fill that position?"

"Hey! Why not? I've got experience working with viruses! Sounds like the perfect job for me!"

"HEY! I said that before I went into GW!"

Liquid frowned, looking at his enraged brother. "Wasn't it JD?"

With that, dear lads and lassies, we reach the end of our tale. I hope, with these words, you'll move on and keep the legend of Solid Snake close to your hearts. I hope love for Solid Snake forever burns deep inside of you, as a torch burns for those wandering in the night.

Ah, who am I kidding? Go back to your Harry Potters and vampires. You'd be better off having Mickey Mouse as your favorite hero. Hopefully Raiden will give us something more to cheer for.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for dropping into our second chapter! Before you tread any further, children, there are a few things I've got to tell you. This is a parody of Old Snake and the Metal Gear Solid series. IF YOU VIEW PARODIES AS RANTS, OR CAN'T TOLERATE ANY PARODIES AGAINST OLD SNAKE'S STEREOTYPICAL CHARACTER, DON'T READ WHAT I HAVE HERE!

The events of this chapter were inspired by Naomi Hunter's scenes of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Snake and Raiden's dialogue was inspired by a rather near and dear MGS4 cutscene. NOTE: I hold nothing against the creator of this series, Metal Gear Solid 4, or any of its characters. I just don't like a certain character's stereotype.

And don't forget this: I don't own any of the featured material.

* * *

Kiddies, when we last left our heroes, they were on the brink of destruction! Old Snake was bravely battling against Psychotic Bullfrog! I'm sure you're well aware of the climatic duel between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. Or perhaps you're better acquainted with the incredibly exciting battles of the Spiderman films? Well, even if you're only into the clashes between Harry Potter and Voldemort, you're sure to know of a few great battles. Now, would the battle between Old Snake and Psychotic Bullfrog live up to your standards? Would it weave its way into your heart?

Absolutely not.

You can't call their battle a 'battle', because they didn't have a battle. The battles from James Cameron's 'Avatar' would kick their 'battle' in the arse. Psychotic Bullfrog merely stood by and watched as Snake pitted his wits against the one and only Otacon. Now remember, Otacon had just pledged his undying devotion to Liquid, mourning over his departed pilot (who was standing no more than a few inches away, pondering over the upcoming anime convention). And after Bullfrog pledged his allegiance to Roy Campbell's army, winning the name Solid Bullfrog (come on, someone had to take Old Snake's old name, ha ha), Liquid dashed off to an audition. The pilot of the Nomad gave him a good idea, inspiring him to inquire after Albert Wesker's role in the Resident Evil series.

The ones behind Resident Evil were not so kind to an aspiring star. Through a vast amount of hours, Snake's brother experienced rejection! Pain! Frustration! The agony of defeat! He did everything in his power to become the next Resident Evil villian, but as it turned out, Albert Wesker had already made his return-and infected the entire staff with a new kind of brainwashing virus! Oh, the agony!

"Hey, Hal! What's up for next year?"

"Well, I thought I'd dress up as Edward Elric. You know, from Fullmetal Alchemist?"

"Hey, that sounds rad! I could go as Alphonse! Or maybe Maes Hughes! Not too many cosplayers can pull off Maes Hughes. I'd blow everyone out the water!"

And so, our intrepid team took a trek to Doctor Naomi Hunter's hideout. She didn't have a hideout to hide her secret operations, mind you. She had a hideout to hide her...secret operations. Hal would soon catch wind of her operations, as he would become a critical part to her...secret, special plans. Snake had already been a critical part in her plans, so now it was his best friend's turn!

Naomi was discovered in mere moments. She stood inside of her humble office, dressed head to toe in doctor's attire. There was a lot of cleavage, but she played the part of a doctor well. She-

"Wait a minute. Didn't Naomi die in Shadow Moses, alongside Vamp?!"

"Yes I did, Snake," Liquid's old ally said, nodding. Unbuttoning another button on her shirt, she looked as serious as possible. "Luckily, I was brought back to life by Vamp. He discovered the secret to immortality shortly after he died."

"That doesn't making any freakin' sense! He can't discover a damn thing when he's dead, let alone immortality!"

"Actually, brother, it makes a great deal of sense," Liquid Ocelot said, stroking his lavish beard. "I've heard how a lot of people have discovered great things after passing from the mortal realm. I, for example, discovered how to make your life a living Hell after you killed me atop JR."

Otacon frowned and straightened his glasses (for the fifth thousandth time). "Wasn't it GW?"

"No," Snake's brother said, shaking his head. "I destroyed GW. It was actually Shadow Moses."

"Oh my freakin' gosh! Who cares what the name of the oven was?! Let's get this over with!"

Naomi, placing a hand on Snake's shoulder, looked as grave as she could be. "There isn't much to tell, Snake," she said, pretending to be sad (even though she caused a great deal of his problems). "You're going to be dead in half a year. On top of that, you're going to become a biological weapon in three months."

Now, if you had heard such news, surely you would have been heartbroken. I mean, come on. To hear that you only had a few months to live, and even fewer months before you became a human time bomb? Not to mention your family isn't that great, and your only brother tried to kill you on several occassions! If you had been in Snake's place, wouldn't you have been...I don't know...upset? Wasn't Teddy upset when he discovered his friend Chuck was actually Dr. Sheen in 'Shutter Island'?

Was Snake upset?

"I'm sorry to rain on your parade, but I've already heard this."

"Snake, don't you care? Don't you care about seeing the birds and the bees?"

The old soldier snickered. "You know all about the birds and bees..."

"Don't you care about seeing the mountains and the trees? The flowers, waterfalls-"

Snake was upset, all right. He took his middle finger, opened his mouth, and slowly inserted the finger into his mouth. Then, he proceeded to voice his sorrow by making an 'ack' sound. Kinda like a cat coughing up a hairball. Naomi, opening her shirt even more, walked towards Hal. "I'll need to do some research," she said, wiping a wisp of her hair out of her face. "Doctor Emmerich, I'll need your assistance. I'll need to insert my usb port into your hard drive."

"S-s-sure! I'll help you, N-N-Naomi!"

"HAL! It isn't what you think it is! Don't fall for it!"

"Oh, Snake, don't be such a fussbudget," the anime junkie said, as Naomi wrapped her arms around his waist. "It'll be all right! My Mac laptop has the perfect usb port for her!"

"We'll be collaborating with Vamp for this assignment," the Hunter said gravely, running her hands beneath Hal's shirt. "He'll guide you on what needs to be done. Make sure you pay close attention to him, as my satisfaction depends on your actions."

"Hey," Liquid said, raising a hand. "Wanna collaborate with me too? I'm free."

"Otacon, you dumbass, don't you remember?! Vamp killed Emma, your stepsister!"

"Aw, Snake, be nice. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm! They probably just had a misunderstanding!"

Growling, ye olde soldier balled his hands into fists. "Naomi, what about me?! Aren't I going to die in a few months?!"

"Like you care. Come on, Doctor Emmerich. We've got research to complete."

Without another word, the revered Naomi Hunter slithered away with a rather giddy Doctor Emmerich. The only one that voiced any opposition to Hal's departure was the Nomad's pilot (does the guy have a name?).

"Hey! We weren't finished talking about the next Pokemon card tournament!"

Snake coughed up another hairball. "Isn't there anyone with some sense around here?! Save me, dammit!"

Right then and there, lightning struck the scene! All eyes were widened with awe, falling upon an enigmatic figure! Hearts dropped, jaws dropped, and all of time came to a screeching halt! The suspense was devastating! Maddening! They couldn't wait to see whom Snake had summoned! They couldn't wait to see-

"Raiden?!"

"It is I, Snake. I, your devoted knight, am here to protect you."

With the flick of his cape, Raiden leapt from the top of Naomi's lingerie closet. "You are in need of salvation, and I am here to give it to you," he said sweetly, taking a bow. With that, he removed a red rose from his mouth and threw it into the wall, as a dart. "Remember to look both ways before you cross the street!"

In the blink of an eye, the masked ninja began to leap out of the window. Snake wasn't about to let him go without getting in the last word, though.

"Wait a minute! Was that it?!"

Raiden looked back at him, cocking an eye. "Um...yeah?"

"Aren't you supposed to protect me, asshole?!"

"What in the hell do you expect ME to do? I've got my own problems! It rained the day I was born!"

"Raiden, you've got it all wrong! You were in the lightning in that rain! You can still shine through the darkness!"

"Yeah freakin' right. Rose left me for your Commander Campbell!"

Snake frowned. "Um, Raiden, it's Sergeant Campbell."

"Oh really? I didn't know he was promoted. Anyways, he stole my woman, and he's got Hell to pay. So you can shove all your lightning bolts into your ass."

Bullfrog looked to Nomad's pilot. "Can I take over the world now?"

"Nope. Don't think so. What's the deal with the Metal Gear Solid series, anyways? Why does Snake get top billing?"

"Pseh. You've got me. Personally, I think the Prince of Persia is waaaaay hotter than he is. And hey! Ever heard of this guy named Ezio? Whoo nelly, that guy's sex on a stick!"

"Yeah, I've heard of him. He's the assassin of Assassin's Creed 2. But seriously, hearing a frog hit on a hot Italian assassin is just...I don't know. Gross."

"Snaaaaaaaaaake!"

Snake turned to his brother in a flash, who had screamed through a megaphone. "WHAT?!"

"Nothing," Liquid shrugged, as if Snake had randomnly dubbed him the criminal of a heinous crime. "I just like doing that."

End of Act 5. Please wait for Act 6 of Metal Gear Solid 4: Liquid's Guns.

"Okay," Snake growled, wincing. "Now that's just wrong."

"Hey, you know who Raiden reminds me of? Tuxedo Mask! The guy from the Sailor Moon series!"

"Hey wow, you're right! He always popped up at the most opportune time in Metal Gear Solid 4! Too bad he never carried any roses!"

Raiden, perched on the windowsill, turned to the two anime addicts. "I'll think about dressing like an idiot the next time around. But seriously, after all of the angst I had to endure, I think I deserve the Metal Gear Solid spotlight. I mean, come on. I didn't do anything but moan and whine in 'Guns of the Patriots'."

"Well, you beat the living crap out of my brother. All he did was run around, smoke and blow things up. Oh yeah, he threw up a couple of times too. But I totally laid the smackdown on my brother. I do believe audiences had an easier time relating to me."

"So what is this turning into? A debate over our series?"

Liquid nodded. "You know it, Otacon."

Our beloved, amazing Snake shook his head. "Screw the next couple of months. I'm ready to die now."


End file.
